The Art of "No" + he who shall not be named.

No.

No.

No.

That feels good.

I wasn't always able to say that. I was very ....easily persuaded (I couldn't think of a word for that). I was always too afraid to make someone upset with me. To cause someone not to like me anymore - or at all. Sure it took me alot of heartbreak to get to this point aaaand maybe that means that my straightforwardness is really ..bitterness? I don't know. What I do know though, it feels damn good to put myself first. It feels really good not to let someone take me off of the good path that I'm tryyyying to pave for myself.

*Sidebar: My ex told me that he wanted to "chill" with me again. The ex that has been tormenting me (in my head) for the past 3 years. Some of you may know him as "Voldemort." Liiiike we were homies that were never in a relationship. Liiiike I never abandoned my life and everything familiar to go to New York and live with him. That never happened. We just CHILLED for a year and a half... yup. That happened. Ha! Simmer.

blank.

Our parents and teachers tell us to live strategically. We always have a question to answer. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "What college are you going to?" "What will you major in?" "What type of wo/man do you want to marry?" "Do you want to have kids?" "What type of job will you work?" Who? Where? What? When? Why?

The people we admire tell us to live in the moment. "Live as if you'll die today." "Life is a journey, not a destination." Blah. Blah. Blah.

All I want to know is: how the fuck am I supposed to find the happy medium? Clearly I have to answer a few of those questions. The bills won't pay themselves. But why? At the end, none of it matters. God won't care if I made $30,000 or $100,000/year. He won't care if I went to community college, a HBCU or only got my freaking high school diploma. So why does all of that matter? It's just extra. Filler. To stress, impress and depress. It's exhausting.

I've come to my annual crossroads. The moment I have, every year, when I decide what I'm going to do with the next couple weeks, months, years of my life. It's exhausting. I just want to find a place where I can love and be loved and have good people around me and no pressure. No questions. Just life. I want to LIVE!