"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I'm just feeling very alone and very unwanted and taken for granted by a lot of people. That's the abridged version."

I hate when people ask me how I'm feeling cause I don't know if they really want the answer or if they're just being nice. Like when you say "hi, how are you?" in passing. So when Adam asked me, last night, how I was feeling I really didn't know how to respond. Something in me snapped though and so I gave him the full story. Or as much of it as my iPhone could handle.

"Why are you feeling that way? Am I one of those people?," he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, even though I don't feel like you do it intentionally. It's just all in my own interpretation of things but yes, you'd be one of those people. There are quite a few. It's not one specific thing from anyone that makes me feel that way, more like a combination of things. You have your own life. I'm not one of those people."

(Yes, I do have my own life but I'd like to think you're apart of it.)

"& I think that may be part of it. Maybe it is a communication thing at the core. & I think a big part of it is, I've always SUCKED at communication. You & I have talked about it a number of times. I've had discussions about it with others as well... & so now that I'm trying to better with that, it's not being reciprocated. Which sucks. & then I know people have their own lives, so I don't make a big deal about it... but that's where the part about feeling unwanted or taken for granted comes into play. I don't feel like I'm a part of anyone's life. Or at least an important or valued part. I'm kind of just there when it's convenient for other people. It's not something I enjoy talking about cause when I just read all of that back to myself, I think I sound crazy. It's just how I feel though. & that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I've ever told anyone any of this. I've changed alot of myself for other people and it's not fun. It's like, 'oh! So and so won't be a part of my life because I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts, then I change that piece of myself and they still don't want to be there..' I guess I just feel like all of it, all that self reflection and transformation, was for nothing."

....moments later, I slid back into my hole.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

The Art of "No" + he who shall not be named.

No.

No.

No.

That feels good.

I wasn't always able to say that. I was very ....easily persuaded (I couldn't think of a word for that). I was always too afraid to make someone upset with me. To cause someone not to like me anymore - or at all. Sure it took me alot of heartbreak to get to this point aaaand maybe that means that my straightforwardness is really ..bitterness? I don't know. What I do know though, it feels damn good to put myself first. It feels really good not to let someone take me off of the good path that I'm tryyyying to pave for myself.

*Sidebar: My ex told me that he wanted to "chill" with me again. The ex that has been tormenting me (in my head) for the past 3 years. Some of you may know him as "Voldemort." Liiiike we were homies that were never in a relationship. Liiiike I never abandoned my life and everything familiar to go to New York and live with him. That never happened. We just CHILLED for a year and a half... yup. That happened. Ha! Simmer.

"If I Could I Would Give You The World.."

In a reflective talk today with my mom about my life and my feelings about myself, she said something that really stuck with me. "Loving yourself does not mean that you have to like everything about yourself. The things that you don't like about yourself, you can change." My mom had me when she was my age (24). She grew up not loving herself because of the actions of other people (family included). It wasn't until recently that she was even able to love herself and understand that she was worth being loved.

During our conversation, my mom brought a picture of her and her twin, my aunt Janine, into the room. After asking me which one was her (haha - she said she was the more "mature looking" of the two), she said that she wrote a letter to her self as a baby. In that letter, she spoke about how she let her down for not loving her enough. Not loving her in the way that she deserved to be loved. Not loving her in the way that all babies and all of God's children deserve to be loved. This spoke volumes to me so I went and pulled this picture up of myself.

The baby in that picture deserves to be loved. She deserves every GOOD thing this world has to offer. That baby though, is ME. I have to love her in the way that my mom and dad and stepdad love me. I have to love her MORE than that even. She deserves it & from this day forward, I will love her - unconditionally.

"...but all I can do, is just offer you my love."

For The Girl Who Has Everything+

My entire plan to lose 30 lbs. in a month (like I did earlier this year) is slowly fading. Not because I don't want it. The Lord and all his friends know that I do.

I can't stand these huge thighs. I can't stand this huge stomach. I can't stand these huge arms. I don't want Adam to see me like this. I don't want to be fat in Nicole's wedding pictures.

For some reason though, even with a calorie tracker and a 24 hr. gym membership, it's much harder the second time around. I don't understand why at all. It's making me upset with myself. Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror, hate what you see, AND hate yourself more for not having the strength to change it?

Terrible.

Body dysmorphic disorder is nothing to play with. I wish I knew how to get rid of it on my own.