"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I'm just feeling very alone and very unwanted and taken for granted by a lot of people. That's the abridged version."

I hate when people ask me how I'm feeling cause I don't know if they really want the answer or if they're just being nice. Like when you say "hi, how are you?" in passing. So when Adam asked me, last night, how I was feeling I really didn't know how to respond. Something in me snapped though and so I gave him the full story. Or as much of it as my iPhone could handle.

"Why are you feeling that way? Am I one of those people?," he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, even though I don't feel like you do it intentionally. It's just all in my own interpretation of things but yes, you'd be one of those people. There are quite a few. It's not one specific thing from anyone that makes me feel that way, more like a combination of things. You have your own life. I'm not one of those people."

(Yes, I do have my own life but I'd like to think you're apart of it.)

"& I think that may be part of it. Maybe it is a communication thing at the core. & I think a big part of it is, I've always SUCKED at communication. You & I have talked about it a number of times. I've had discussions about it with others as well... & so now that I'm trying to better with that, it's not being reciprocated. Which sucks. & then I know people have their own lives, so I don't make a big deal about it... but that's where the part about feeling unwanted or taken for granted comes into play. I don't feel like I'm a part of anyone's life. Or at least an important or valued part. I'm kind of just there when it's convenient for other people. It's not something I enjoy talking about cause when I just read all of that back to myself, I think I sound crazy. It's just how I feel though. & that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I've ever told anyone any of this. I've changed alot of myself for other people and it's not fun. It's like, 'oh! So and so won't be a part of my life because I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts, then I change that piece of myself and they still don't want to be there..' I guess I just feel like all of it, all that self reflection and transformation, was for nothing."

....moments later, I slid back into my hole.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

There's No Place Like Any Place That Isn't Home

Today marks exactly three weeks until I get the hell up outta here and take a 5-day mini vacation. I'm going to Lake Tahoe for my little sister's wedding and I am so incredibly excited that it's giving me anxiety out of the ass.

How does this happen?

I've never been an anxious person (hell, even a shy person) until recently. Is it because I'm knocking on 25? I actually think I might be. There's so much that you assume you'll have figured out by the time you reach 25. Then you get six months away and realize that none of that has happened. You've figured out nothing except what wine goes with what flavor pizza best.

No matter the reason, I'm anxiously excited any time I can get out of Lincoln Park and go to a place where nobody knows my name. Tahoe is good for that. Shit, Kalamazoo is good for that. I am stuck here for another year due to some leasing issues (aka I was too lazy to look for a new apartment so I renewed) so I might as well treat myself to a vacation every couple of months to maintain some sanity. Right? Right.

Bear with me people. I'm working on my positivity.