there once was a man from the cape..

I'm broke. I'm sad. I'm dead.

It's an insane feeling to have and then to just... not. This time last year, I found myself in a situation I didn't see myself getting out of. I was barely making ends meet with my two jobs and I was either going to be homeless or move back in with my parents. Then I met a man with a dog. Haha. Not really but I did meet a man. A man with a hard face but gentle eyes. A man who wanted to get to know me better for reasons that remain unknown. He said I would never have to worry about money again. He promised.

First he gave me $500 cash to pay "his half" of my rent. Then that $500 turned to $1000 turned to $2000. I started saving it. Knowing he wouldn't be there forever. He was married. Surely she'd find out and he'd disappear. I'd seen this movie before. At first though, he was just an awesome friend. A man with a dog. Slowly, we both caught feelings. Bad idea.

Well, a couple months ago, after I told him I wouldn't be moving into his condo.. I decided to break off all ties. We agreed that he'd give me only $1000/month until the first of the year and then no more.

Now it's November. I just liquidated my savings to pay my rent and I have $66 to my name. What happened? I don't know. I take this as a lesson learned. Don't take things from a man with a dog. The dog will one day die. It'll be a terrible thing.

Back to square one.

Tall Girl Problems #001

November 1. Rent is due & I'm feelin some type of way about it.

The Halloween hoopla is finally over so that means:

1. All the candy is 75% off!

2. Starbucks has their holiday cups and Christmas drinks.

3. It's about to be cold as all the fucks, here in Michigan.

4. I have to get back in gym mode so I can work off Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. (+ all them NYE dranks.)

Faaaaaaaaawk!

But let's get back to Halloween. This week was great. Filled with great drinks, better food, good people and real laughs (accompanied by a couple edibles). I also learned quite a bit about myself.

I learned that I care too much about the advancement of other people and too little about my own. I learned that I have some great people in my life that believe in me more than I believe in myself and inspire me to believe in myself more. I learned that a quarter of a weed rice krispie treat is too much and will put me in a coma on a futon spooning a puppy. I learned that I'm not about this straight hair life. My hair doesn't fuck with Michigan elements. I learned that falling on concrete at a Halloween party hurts like a bitch and my lightskinned ass and elbow and hands don't appreciate that shit. But 

Oh! & I got flowers. Just because flowers. That was a big deal and a great way to start my week. I've never received flowers just because. They were beautiful. 

Now I just need to find a date. Screw a boyfriend. I just want to go on a date. I want someone to pick me up, go to the movies and eat dinner with me (I'll pay for my damn self) and then take me home. Maybe that can be a Christmas gift. Haha. My life. So sad.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I'm just feeling very alone and very unwanted and taken for granted by a lot of people. That's the abridged version."

I hate when people ask me how I'm feeling cause I don't know if they really want the answer or if they're just being nice. Like when you say "hi, how are you?" in passing. So when Adam asked me, last night, how I was feeling I really didn't know how to respond. Something in me snapped though and so I gave him the full story. Or as much of it as my iPhone could handle.

"Why are you feeling that way? Am I one of those people?," he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, even though I don't feel like you do it intentionally. It's just all in my own interpretation of things but yes, you'd be one of those people. There are quite a few. It's not one specific thing from anyone that makes me feel that way, more like a combination of things. You have your own life. I'm not one of those people."

(Yes, I do have my own life but I'd like to think you're apart of it.)

"& I think that may be part of it. Maybe it is a communication thing at the core. & I think a big part of it is, I've always SUCKED at communication. You & I have talked about it a number of times. I've had discussions about it with others as well... & so now that I'm trying to better with that, it's not being reciprocated. Which sucks. & then I know people have their own lives, so I don't make a big deal about it... but that's where the part about feeling unwanted or taken for granted comes into play. I don't feel like I'm a part of anyone's life. Or at least an important or valued part. I'm kind of just there when it's convenient for other people. It's not something I enjoy talking about cause when I just read all of that back to myself, I think I sound crazy. It's just how I feel though. & that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I've ever told anyone any of this. I've changed alot of myself for other people and it's not fun. It's like, 'oh! So and so won't be a part of my life because I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts, then I change that piece of myself and they still don't want to be there..' I guess I just feel like all of it, all that self reflection and transformation, was for nothing."

....moments later, I slid back into my hole.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

I said I wasn't going to talk about it.

Someone once told me that I suck at communicating my feelings and I'm unreadable. I agreed completely. It was never on purpose... just sort of happened. The last time I didn't tell someone how I felt, they hurt me really bad. So I've been working on that. The communicating thing. If I miss someone, love someone, hate someone, etc., I just tell them.

Well now that I'm communicating, said someone is becoming more and more distant. It's confusing, hurtful, and is pushing me back into my old ways.

I don't like this feeling. Not one bit.

Hopefully it helps me in other realms of my life cause this love thing ain't hittin.

Wompsidaisical. Made that up.

I haven't been writing and everytime I glance at my app, I feel bad. I just haven't had much inspiration.

I started a new job as manager at a salon/barbershop called The Social Club. I don't know how many followers or readers I actually have but if any of you are in Detroit, come see me there! I like this job far better than my last. Probably one of the best jobs I've had and will have. We're remodeling so I get to look up decor ideas all day. It's freakin awesome.

On the love front, still no action. Adam is... whatever. I don't want to talk about that.

I wish there were hot bearded men in Detroit. Hot, bearded, single, into tall black girls, with tattoos... or something.

Womp.

Hannah Horvath: My Spirit Animal

“I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this. It makes me sound like a girl who wants to go to brunch and I really don’t want to go to brunch. I don’t want you to like, sit on the couch while I shop or like even meet my friends. I don’t even want that, okay?”