Take The Good With The Bad

"You're allowed to change your mind as many times as you like."

It's other people's minds I'd like to be able to change sometimes.

Mine generally stays the same. Work. Sleep. Coffee. Burton. Potter. Unrequited love. Same ol' shit.

They feel good and bad at the same time.

The inspiration to blog at 6am is a strange one. Leave it to Flaco to make that happen.

He gets me. That's why I keep him around. (Even though he spelled Slytherin wrong...)

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I'm just feeling very alone and very unwanted and taken for granted by a lot of people. That's the abridged version."

I hate when people ask me how I'm feeling cause I don't know if they really want the answer or if they're just being nice. Like when you say "hi, how are you?" in passing. So when Adam asked me, last night, how I was feeling I really didn't know how to respond. Something in me snapped though and so I gave him the full story. Or as much of it as my iPhone could handle.

"Why are you feeling that way? Am I one of those people?," he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, even though I don't feel like you do it intentionally. It's just all in my own interpretation of things but yes, you'd be one of those people. There are quite a few. It's not one specific thing from anyone that makes me feel that way, more like a combination of things. You have your own life. I'm not one of those people."

(Yes, I do have my own life but I'd like to think you're apart of it.)

"& I think that may be part of it. Maybe it is a communication thing at the core. & I think a big part of it is, I've always SUCKED at communication. You & I have talked about it a number of times. I've had discussions about it with others as well... & so now that I'm trying to better with that, it's not being reciprocated. Which sucks. & then I know people have their own lives, so I don't make a big deal about it... but that's where the part about feeling unwanted or taken for granted comes into play. I don't feel like I'm a part of anyone's life. Or at least an important or valued part. I'm kind of just there when it's convenient for other people. It's not something I enjoy talking about cause when I just read all of that back to myself, I think I sound crazy. It's just how I feel though. & that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I've ever told anyone any of this. I've changed alot of myself for other people and it's not fun. It's like, 'oh! So and so won't be a part of my life because I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts, then I change that piece of myself and they still don't want to be there..' I guess I just feel like all of it, all that self reflection and transformation, was for nothing."

....moments later, I slid back into my hole.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

AND ANOTHER THING!

I just finished venting to my grandmother about this and I feel that I need to share it. (& a couple of yall need to read it!)

What does it mean when NOBODY in your life ever comes to visit you? In my mind, it means they don't give a shit. Flat out.

Need an example? I live in Detroit. I've lived in Detroit for the majority of my life. I did not choose to be born here. I did not choose for my family to be from here. It just happened. Anyway doe... none of my "friends" (NOT A SINGLE ONE) has ever hopped their ass on a plane to come see me. Not even mentioned it. I, however, have always gone to see them. I've gone to Arizona, California, Florida, Texas, Nevada, New York, Virginia, Georgia, & probably a number of other states (with my own hard earned money may I add), just to VISIT my friends. Why? Because I value the shit out the people in my life & hell, who wouldn't want to get away for a bit. Still... STILL... not one of these motherfuckers has ever come to visit me. My ex, Voldemort, didn't even want to come WITH me to Detroit to meet my family. I pretty much had to MAKE that happen. 

Why?

I'd really like an answer. 

Cause when I think about it... it really just makes me feel like these people don't give a shit about me. Don't value my friendship. I just don't matter.

& that hurts.

The Art of "No" + he who shall not be named.

No.

No.

No.

That feels good.

I wasn't always able to say that. I was very ....easily persuaded (I couldn't think of a word for that). I was always too afraid to make someone upset with me. To cause someone not to like me anymore - or at all. Sure it took me alot of heartbreak to get to this point aaaand maybe that means that my straightforwardness is really ..bitterness? I don't know. What I do know though, it feels damn good to put myself first. It feels really good not to let someone take me off of the good path that I'm tryyyying to pave for myself.

*Sidebar: My ex told me that he wanted to "chill" with me again. The ex that has been tormenting me (in my head) for the past 3 years. Some of you may know him as "Voldemort." Liiiike we were homies that were never in a relationship. Liiiike I never abandoned my life and everything familiar to go to New York and live with him. That never happened. We just CHILLED for a year and a half... yup. That happened. Ha! Simmer.

I said I wasn't going to talk about it.

Someone once told me that I suck at communicating my feelings and I'm unreadable. I agreed completely. It was never on purpose... just sort of happened. The last time I didn't tell someone how I felt, they hurt me really bad. So I've been working on that. The communicating thing. If I miss someone, love someone, hate someone, etc., I just tell them.

Well now that I'm communicating, said someone is becoming more and more distant. It's confusing, hurtful, and is pushing me back into my old ways.

I don't like this feeling. Not one bit.

Hopefully it helps me in other realms of my life cause this love thing ain't hittin.

Wompsidaisical. Made that up.

I haven't been writing and everytime I glance at my app, I feel bad. I just haven't had much inspiration.

I started a new job as manager at a salon/barbershop called The Social Club. I don't know how many followers or readers I actually have but if any of you are in Detroit, come see me there! I like this job far better than my last. Probably one of the best jobs I've had and will have. We're remodeling so I get to look up decor ideas all day. It's freakin awesome.

On the love front, still no action. Adam is... whatever. I don't want to talk about that.

I wish there were hot bearded men in Detroit. Hot, bearded, single, into tall black girls, with tattoos... or something.

Womp.