Jessa Johansson: My Spirit Animal

"I think she's more comfortable being quiet and also comfortable being thought of as not very smart. I think that's more comfortable for her cause then she can't be held accountable. She is smart but there are some people and I think Jessa's one of them who pretend to be less smart than they are so they can't be held accountable or responsible and so people don't ask anything of them. She is intelligent. She hasn't really put the pieces together yet but she has them. I think alot of people at that age at least if they're not going to become what they think they are going to, they have a drive. She doesn't have any drive. I think she's very close to being dead inside." - Jemima Kirke

Hannah Horvath: My Spirit Animal

“I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this. It makes me sound like a girl who wants to go to brunch and I really don’t want to go to brunch. I don’t want you to like, sit on the couch while I shop or like even meet my friends. I don’t even want that, okay?”

#imsingleandtheyremyonlyfriends

I’m turning into the girl I thought I’d never be. You know, the one from the tampon commercials. Except I've exchanged a sappy Lifetime movie for the first season of Girls and the Ben & Jerry's ice cream for a green smoothie. The rest is all the same though.
The robe..
The messy hair..
The September issue of Vogue.

The rest is all the same.

De-Activated College Dropout (sans Kanye).

I went to Arizona State right after high school against the will of my parents. We were the #1 party school at the time and that's exactly what I did. Party. I don't even remember going to classes my second semester. I was too busy doing blow and drinking cheap vodka with my friends.

Since then, I've heard nothing but "you need to go back to school." I've put it off for a couple of different reasons. One reason was, and is, that I'm a young girl, living on my own and paycheck to paycheck (at a job that I hate.!) aka. I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY FOR IT! Another reason was because I had no idea what I really wanted to do. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a forensic scientist. CSI style. After that faded, I wanted to be a social worker. As you can probably tell already though, I'm far too emotional for that. So I kept telling myself, and others, that I would only go back when I knew what I wanted to do since I am the one footing the bill.

Well eight years later, I've just completed my application (almost. I still have to write an essay) for The Art Institue of Michigan. I will be going towards a B.A. in Fashion Marketing and Management, which is something that I've been looking into for years. I've had a love for fashion since I was 11 years old and now that my modeling career is over, I've been looking into other opportunities within the industry. Fashion PR is something that has stuck out to me in my research and I know alot of folks in that field (from my own networking). Either PR or being a booker at an agency. That's probably more my speed. However, I've come to realize that I will not be able to just walk into an agency and say, "hire me cause I'm cute, I've got a great eye for talent, and I type 70 wpm." I have to be able to prove to them why I'm an asset - which somewhere inside I know that I am.

Now we just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to pay for this (& I still have to write that essay.)

There's No Place Like Any Place That Isn't Home

Today marks exactly three weeks until I get the hell up outta here and take a 5-day mini vacation. I'm going to Lake Tahoe for my little sister's wedding and I am so incredibly excited that it's giving me anxiety out of the ass.

How does this happen?

I've never been an anxious person (hell, even a shy person) until recently. Is it because I'm knocking on 25? I actually think I might be. There's so much that you assume you'll have figured out by the time you reach 25. Then you get six months away and realize that none of that has happened. You've figured out nothing except what wine goes with what flavor pizza best.

No matter the reason, I'm anxiously excited any time I can get out of Lincoln Park and go to a place where nobody knows my name. Tahoe is good for that. Shit, Kalamazoo is good for that. I am stuck here for another year due to some leasing issues (aka I was too lazy to look for a new apartment so I renewed) so I might as well treat myself to a vacation every couple of months to maintain some sanity. Right? Right.

Bear with me people. I'm working on my positivity.

For The Girl Who Has Everything+

My entire plan to lose 30 lbs. in a month (like I did earlier this year) is slowly fading. Not because I don't want it. The Lord and all his friends know that I do.

I can't stand these huge thighs. I can't stand this huge stomach. I can't stand these huge arms. I don't want Adam to see me like this. I don't want to be fat in Nicole's wedding pictures.

For some reason though, even with a calorie tracker and a 24 hr. gym membership, it's much harder the second time around. I don't understand why at all. It's making me upset with myself. Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror, hate what you see, AND hate yourself more for not having the strength to change it?

Terrible.

Body dysmorphic disorder is nothing to play with. I wish I knew how to get rid of it on my own.

The Beginning...

It's been a couple years since I've actually written down my thoughts. Recently though, I've been thinking about where I am in my life and where I'm headed and how much I miss having someone to share this adventure with. So I decided, why not document it all and see where this can take me? I'll post my thoughts (the big and the small), pictures, and maybe even an occasional video. I have a bigger plan for this but there has to be a beginning right? Well... here it is. Welcome.