They're All Gonna Laugh At You!

I have to write this now while it's still fresh in my mind.

I just got home from seeing Kimberly Peirce's adaptation of 'Carrie.' First, I need to ask if the spelling of her last name bothered anyone else as much as it's bothering me. Anyway though, I may be biased because I saw and loved the original. I also had to remind myself that it was a book before it was a movie.

However, they fell short in a number of ways.

1. Julianne Moore was nowhere near the bible-thumping creep of a Margaret White that Piper Laurie was. That is number one because it's the most important. If you take away Carrie's mom, it's just a movie about bullying and retaliation. Margaret White is the one thing that allowed Carrie to be a part of the horror genre. Piper Laurie's portrayal of that character scared and continues to scare the bejeezus out of me.

2. Chloe Morentz is far too gorgeous to be a believable Carrie White. Not that pretty girls can't be bullied, I was. (*yes, I think I'm pretty.) However, I think a Dakota Fanning or someone with an odd look about their face would have been more believable. Cause Sissy Spacek was less than desirable. (Yet again, I have to remind myself... it was a book first.)

3. "I might have known it would be red." While it's become a memorable line.. if you watched the special features on the original film, you'd know that it was an unplanned change. The line was to read "red." They decided during filming that a pale pink fit the overall prom look better. The script was never changed and it added to the delusion that is Margaret White, so they kept it. Maybe them keeping her dress pink in the remake only bothered me because I knew that useless fact.

4. Ms. DesJardin doesn't die. Nevermind that she doesn't die in the book. Nevermind they changed her name in the original so you could say that she's a completely different character. She dies in the original film and for some reason I really wanted her to die in this one.

Overall, I applaud Chloe for taking on this role. As such a young actress, it could have been a very terrible thing. I think this was a good move for her. I also think Julianne Moore would have been awesome if Piper Laurie hadn't done it first. I really just don't think it should have happened at all though. Hollywood should just leave things alone. Quit with the remakes! Ya know?

& nevermind that I saw it with someone that hadn't seen the original & wouldn't stop talking. That's another post for another day.

Oh! and how could I forget all those super extra hand movements they had that girl doing. Ugh. I don't even think there are words for the stress that caused me. Too much. Much too much.

Apt. 217

If you've ever visited my apartment, you'd have heard stories about how I've never met any of my neighbors. You'd also have heard about the random Aldi shopping cart that likes to kick it in the hallway.

Today though, after living here for 15 months, I held a door open for the tranny in apartment 217.

To Be Continued...

there once was a man from the cape..

I'm broke. I'm sad. I'm dead.

It's an insane feeling to have and then to just... not. This time last year, I found myself in a situation I didn't see myself getting out of. I was barely making ends meet with my two jobs and I was either going to be homeless or move back in with my parents. Then I met a man with a dog. Haha. Not really but I did meet a man. A man with a hard face but gentle eyes. A man who wanted to get to know me better for reasons that remain unknown. He said I would never have to worry about money again. He promised.

First he gave me $500 cash to pay "his half" of my rent. Then that $500 turned to $1000 turned to $2000. I started saving it. Knowing he wouldn't be there forever. He was married. Surely she'd find out and he'd disappear. I'd seen this movie before. At first though, he was just an awesome friend. A man with a dog. Slowly, we both caught feelings. Bad idea.

Well, a couple months ago, after I told him I wouldn't be moving into his condo.. I decided to break off all ties. We agreed that he'd give me only $1000/month until the first of the year and then no more.

Now it's November. I just liquidated my savings to pay my rent and I have $66 to my name. What happened? I don't know. I take this as a lesson learned. Don't take things from a man with a dog. The dog will one day die. It'll be a terrible thing.

Back to square one.

Tall Girl Problems #001

November 1. Rent is due & I'm feelin some type of way about it.

The Halloween hoopla is finally over so that means:

1. All the candy is 75% off!

2. Starbucks has their holiday cups and Christmas drinks.

3. It's about to be cold as all the fucks, here in Michigan.

4. I have to get back in gym mode so I can work off Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. (+ all them NYE dranks.)

Faaaaaaaaawk!

But let's get back to Halloween. This week was great. Filled with great drinks, better food, good people and real laughs (accompanied by a couple edibles). I also learned quite a bit about myself.

I learned that I care too much about the advancement of other people and too little about my own. I learned that I have some great people in my life that believe in me more than I believe in myself and inspire me to believe in myself more. I learned that a quarter of a weed rice krispie treat is too much and will put me in a coma on a futon spooning a puppy. I learned that I'm not about this straight hair life. My hair doesn't fuck with Michigan elements. I learned that falling on concrete at a Halloween party hurts like a bitch and my lightskinned ass and elbow and hands don't appreciate that shit. But 

Oh! & I got flowers. Just because flowers. That was a big deal and a great way to start my week. I've never received flowers just because. They were beautiful. 

Now I just need to find a date. Screw a boyfriend. I just want to go on a date. I want someone to pick me up, go to the movies and eat dinner with me (I'll pay for my damn self) and then take me home. Maybe that can be a Christmas gift. Haha. My life. So sad.

Take The Good With The Bad

"You're allowed to change your mind as many times as you like."

It's other people's minds I'd like to be able to change sometimes.

Mine generally stays the same. Work. Sleep. Coffee. Burton. Potter. Unrequited love. Same ol' shit.

They feel good and bad at the same time.

The inspiration to blog at 6am is a strange one. Leave it to Flaco to make that happen.

He gets me. That's why I keep him around. (Even though he spelled Slytherin wrong...)

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"I'm just feeling very alone and very unwanted and taken for granted by a lot of people. That's the abridged version."

I hate when people ask me how I'm feeling cause I don't know if they really want the answer or if they're just being nice. Like when you say "hi, how are you?" in passing. So when Adam asked me, last night, how I was feeling I really didn't know how to respond. Something in me snapped though and so I gave him the full story. Or as much of it as my iPhone could handle.

"Why are you feeling that way? Am I one of those people?," he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, even though I don't feel like you do it intentionally. It's just all in my own interpretation of things but yes, you'd be one of those people. There are quite a few. It's not one specific thing from anyone that makes me feel that way, more like a combination of things. You have your own life. I'm not one of those people."

(Yes, I do have my own life but I'd like to think you're apart of it.)

"& I think that may be part of it. Maybe it is a communication thing at the core. & I think a big part of it is, I've always SUCKED at communication. You & I have talked about it a number of times. I've had discussions about it with others as well... & so now that I'm trying to better with that, it's not being reciprocated. Which sucks. & then I know people have their own lives, so I don't make a big deal about it... but that's where the part about feeling unwanted or taken for granted comes into play. I don't feel like I'm a part of anyone's life. Or at least an important or valued part. I'm kind of just there when it's convenient for other people. It's not something I enjoy talking about cause when I just read all of that back to myself, I think I sound crazy. It's just how I feel though. & that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I've ever told anyone any of this. I've changed alot of myself for other people and it's not fun. It's like, 'oh! So and so won't be a part of my life because I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts, then I change that piece of myself and they still don't want to be there..' I guess I just feel like all of it, all that self reflection and transformation, was for nothing."

....moments later, I slid back into my hole.

"I don't know. It's all stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

AND ANOTHER THING!

I just finished venting to my grandmother about this and I feel that I need to share it. (& a couple of yall need to read it!)

What does it mean when NOBODY in your life ever comes to visit you? In my mind, it means they don't give a shit. Flat out.

Need an example? I live in Detroit. I've lived in Detroit for the majority of my life. I did not choose to be born here. I did not choose for my family to be from here. It just happened. Anyway doe... none of my "friends" (NOT A SINGLE ONE) has ever hopped their ass on a plane to come see me. Not even mentioned it. I, however, have always gone to see them. I've gone to Arizona, California, Florida, Texas, Nevada, New York, Virginia, Georgia, & probably a number of other states (with my own hard earned money may I add), just to VISIT my friends. Why? Because I value the shit out the people in my life & hell, who wouldn't want to get away for a bit. Still... STILL... not one of these motherfuckers has ever come to visit me. My ex, Voldemort, didn't even want to come WITH me to Detroit to meet my family. I pretty much had to MAKE that happen. 

Why?

I'd really like an answer. 

Cause when I think about it... it really just makes me feel like these people don't give a shit about me. Don't value my friendship. I just don't matter.

& that hurts.

The Art of "No" + he who shall not be named.

No.

No.

No.

That feels good.

I wasn't always able to say that. I was very ....easily persuaded (I couldn't think of a word for that). I was always too afraid to make someone upset with me. To cause someone not to like me anymore - or at all. Sure it took me alot of heartbreak to get to this point aaaand maybe that means that my straightforwardness is really ..bitterness? I don't know. What I do know though, it feels damn good to put myself first. It feels really good not to let someone take me off of the good path that I'm tryyyying to pave for myself.

*Sidebar: My ex told me that he wanted to "chill" with me again. The ex that has been tormenting me (in my head) for the past 3 years. Some of you may know him as "Voldemort." Liiiike we were homies that were never in a relationship. Liiiike I never abandoned my life and everything familiar to go to New York and live with him. That never happened. We just CHILLED for a year and a half... yup. That happened. Ha! Simmer.

I said I wasn't going to talk about it.

Someone once told me that I suck at communicating my feelings and I'm unreadable. I agreed completely. It was never on purpose... just sort of happened. The last time I didn't tell someone how I felt, they hurt me really bad. So I've been working on that. The communicating thing. If I miss someone, love someone, hate someone, etc., I just tell them.

Well now that I'm communicating, said someone is becoming more and more distant. It's confusing, hurtful, and is pushing me back into my old ways.

I don't like this feeling. Not one bit.

Hopefully it helps me in other realms of my life cause this love thing ain't hittin.

Wompsidaisical. Made that up.

I haven't been writing and everytime I glance at my app, I feel bad. I just haven't had much inspiration.

I started a new job as manager at a salon/barbershop called The Social Club. I don't know how many followers or readers I actually have but if any of you are in Detroit, come see me there! I like this job far better than my last. Probably one of the best jobs I've had and will have. We're remodeling so I get to look up decor ideas all day. It's freakin awesome.

On the love front, still no action. Adam is... whatever. I don't want to talk about that.

I wish there were hot bearded men in Detroit. Hot, bearded, single, into tall black girls, with tattoos... or something.

Womp.

Simple, Happy, Uncomplicated Life.

"I'd always believed that a life of quality, enjoyment, and wisdom were my human birthright and would be automatically bestowed upon me as time passed. I never suspected that I would have to learn how to live -- that there were specific disciplines and ways of seeing the world I had to master before I could awaken to a simple, happy, uncomplicated life."

blank.

Our parents and teachers tell us to live strategically. We always have a question to answer. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "What college are you going to?" "What will you major in?" "What type of wo/man do you want to marry?" "Do you want to have kids?" "What type of job will you work?" Who? Where? What? When? Why?

The people we admire tell us to live in the moment. "Live as if you'll die today." "Life is a journey, not a destination." Blah. Blah. Blah.

All I want to know is: how the fuck am I supposed to find the happy medium? Clearly I have to answer a few of those questions. The bills won't pay themselves. But why? At the end, none of it matters. God won't care if I made $30,000 or $100,000/year. He won't care if I went to community college, a HBCU or only got my freaking high school diploma. So why does all of that matter? It's just extra. Filler. To stress, impress and depress. It's exhausting.

I've come to my annual crossroads. The moment I have, every year, when I decide what I'm going to do with the next couple weeks, months, years of my life. It's exhausting. I just want to find a place where I can love and be loved and have good people around me and no pressure. No questions. Just life. I want to LIVE!

“For women who ...

“For women who are tied to the moon, love alone is not enough. We insist each day wrap it’s knuckles through our heart strings and pull. The lows. The joy. The poetry. We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off. So it goes. You will climb up again.
You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you. Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm. Like a shawl to keep you warm at night. Don’t mourn the love that is lost to you now. It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.
You loved a man who treated you like absinthe, half poison and half god. He tried to sweeten you, to water you down. So you left. And now you have your heart all to yourself again. A heart like a stone cottage. Heart like a lover’s diary. Hope like an ocean.”

Letter From Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics

"If I Could I Would Give You The World.."

In a reflective talk today with my mom about my life and my feelings about myself, she said something that really stuck with me. "Loving yourself does not mean that you have to like everything about yourself. The things that you don't like about yourself, you can change." My mom had me when she was my age (24). She grew up not loving herself because of the actions of other people (family included). It wasn't until recently that she was even able to love herself and understand that she was worth being loved.

During our conversation, my mom brought a picture of her and her twin, my aunt Janine, into the room. After asking me which one was her (haha - she said she was the more "mature looking" of the two), she said that she wrote a letter to her self as a baby. In that letter, she spoke about how she let her down for not loving her enough. Not loving her in the way that she deserved to be loved. Not loving her in the way that all babies and all of God's children deserve to be loved. This spoke volumes to me so I went and pulled this picture up of myself.

The baby in that picture deserves to be loved. She deserves every GOOD thing this world has to offer. That baby though, is ME. I have to love her in the way that my mom and dad and stepdad love me. I have to love her MORE than that even. She deserves it & from this day forward, I will love her - unconditionally.

"...but all I can do, is just offer you my love."

Jessa Johansson: My Spirit Animal

"I think she's more comfortable being quiet and also comfortable being thought of as not very smart. I think that's more comfortable for her cause then she can't be held accountable. She is smart but there are some people and I think Jessa's one of them who pretend to be less smart than they are so they can't be held accountable or responsible and so people don't ask anything of them. She is intelligent. She hasn't really put the pieces together yet but she has them. I think alot of people at that age at least if they're not going to become what they think they are going to, they have a drive. She doesn't have any drive. I think she's very close to being dead inside." - Jemima Kirke

Hannah Horvath: My Spirit Animal

“I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this. It makes me sound like a girl who wants to go to brunch and I really don’t want to go to brunch. I don’t want you to like, sit on the couch while I shop or like even meet my friends. I don’t even want that, okay?”

#imsingleandtheyremyonlyfriends

I’m turning into the girl I thought I’d never be. You know, the one from the tampon commercials. Except I've exchanged a sappy Lifetime movie for the first season of Girls and the Ben & Jerry's ice cream for a green smoothie. The rest is all the same though.
The robe..
The messy hair..
The September issue of Vogue.

The rest is all the same.

De-Activated College Dropout (sans Kanye).

I went to Arizona State right after high school against the will of my parents. We were the #1 party school at the time and that's exactly what I did. Party. I don't even remember going to classes my second semester. I was too busy doing blow and drinking cheap vodka with my friends.

Since then, I've heard nothing but "you need to go back to school." I've put it off for a couple of different reasons. One reason was, and is, that I'm a young girl, living on my own and paycheck to paycheck (at a job that I hate.!) aka. I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY FOR IT! Another reason was because I had no idea what I really wanted to do. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a forensic scientist. CSI style. After that faded, I wanted to be a social worker. As you can probably tell already though, I'm far too emotional for that. So I kept telling myself, and others, that I would only go back when I knew what I wanted to do since I am the one footing the bill.

Well eight years later, I've just completed my application (almost. I still have to write an essay) for The Art Institue of Michigan. I will be going towards a B.A. in Fashion Marketing and Management, which is something that I've been looking into for years. I've had a love for fashion since I was 11 years old and now that my modeling career is over, I've been looking into other opportunities within the industry. Fashion PR is something that has stuck out to me in my research and I know alot of folks in that field (from my own networking). Either PR or being a booker at an agency. That's probably more my speed. However, I've come to realize that I will not be able to just walk into an agency and say, "hire me cause I'm cute, I've got a great eye for talent, and I type 70 wpm." I have to be able to prove to them why I'm an asset - which somewhere inside I know that I am.

Now we just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to pay for this (& I still have to write that essay.)

There's No Place Like Any Place That Isn't Home

Today marks exactly three weeks until I get the hell up outta here and take a 5-day mini vacation. I'm going to Lake Tahoe for my little sister's wedding and I am so incredibly excited that it's giving me anxiety out of the ass.

How does this happen?

I've never been an anxious person (hell, even a shy person) until recently. Is it because I'm knocking on 25? I actually think I might be. There's so much that you assume you'll have figured out by the time you reach 25. Then you get six months away and realize that none of that has happened. You've figured out nothing except what wine goes with what flavor pizza best.

No matter the reason, I'm anxiously excited any time I can get out of Lincoln Park and go to a place where nobody knows my name. Tahoe is good for that. Shit, Kalamazoo is good for that. I am stuck here for another year due to some leasing issues (aka I was too lazy to look for a new apartment so I renewed) so I might as well treat myself to a vacation every couple of months to maintain some sanity. Right? Right.

Bear with me people. I'm working on my positivity.

For The Girl Who Has Everything+

My entire plan to lose 30 lbs. in a month (like I did earlier this year) is slowly fading. Not because I don't want it. The Lord and all his friends know that I do.

I can't stand these huge thighs. I can't stand this huge stomach. I can't stand these huge arms. I don't want Adam to see me like this. I don't want to be fat in Nicole's wedding pictures.

For some reason though, even with a calorie tracker and a 24 hr. gym membership, it's much harder the second time around. I don't understand why at all. It's making me upset with myself. Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror, hate what you see, AND hate yourself more for not having the strength to change it?

Terrible.

Body dysmorphic disorder is nothing to play with. I wish I knew how to get rid of it on my own.

The Beginning...

It's been a couple years since I've actually written down my thoughts. Recently though, I've been thinking about where I am in my life and where I'm headed and how much I miss having someone to share this adventure with. So I decided, why not document it all and see where this can take me? I'll post my thoughts (the big and the small), pictures, and maybe even an occasional video. I have a bigger plan for this but there has to be a beginning right? Well... here it is. Welcome.